The Truth About Inconvenient Global Warming
Generally speaking, there is a great deal of misunderstanding about how global warming really works. It's a highly complex and confusing phenomenon which the great unwashed like myself have a hard time dealing with. The problem is the common mistake of confusing the role of CO2 with that of the similar-sounding C.O. TUBE. Here's how it really works in a nutshell.
The sun blows on the Earth with what is called the solar wind. Normally this is not a problem because we can all use the warmth and energy. However, because of industrialization due to out-of-control capitalism, humans have inadvertently overdeveloped a sort-of virtual tube made of congealed air pollution coated with Alar on the far side of the planet. This is the Cosmic Orifice, or "C.O. Tube."
This C.O. Tube collects the growing consensus of manmade greenhouse gasses and combines them with secondhand smoke which shoot out through this tube into space. This creates a kind of rocket propulsion pushing the Earth closer to the sun and hence creates the global warming we've all heard about. This melts the polar ice cap, flooding Antarctica and giving us sunburn and skin cancer to boot.
The greatest danger, denied by irresponsible scientists and under-reported by the media, is as the Earth's orbit grows closer to the sun we will eventually collide with Venus. This will mean the end of reality as we know it and put the kibosh on all progressive plans for a corn-fed, smoke-free future. (You may not believe it, but I polled my friends and nine of ten agreed. It is therefor 90% certain to be true. Or at least 90% true or maybe true 90% of the time.)
What can we do about this? Frankly, I don't know. All the same, the petroleum-tobacco complex is doing absolutely nothing to rectify the situation, all the while raking in billions in profits, mainly from oblivious, chain-smoking SUV drivers. Sad, but true.
I want to especially thank Lazslo Toth jr. for his invaluable assistance in putting this explanation together. Mr. Toth is the thrice-elected city treasurer of my hometown and hence an unimpeachable expert on climate.
copyright Terry Colon, 2006