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President Announces Affordable Government Act

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President Obama announced the Government Affordability and Taxpayer Protection Act last night. The new executive order only awaits Congressional inaction to go into effect beginning last January. Surprisingly, the new law contains only two paragraphs. The first establishes the new Department of Government, an umbrella agency to oversee all government and any org­anization, person or persons interacting with any government anywhere at any time. The second paragraph consists of the three-letter acronym, TBD. This follows the new doctrine that you have to start enforcing the law to find out what it is.

There is widespread support for the new law within the government community. Said one highly placed Beltway source, “Every American needs affordable government, and no expense should be spared to ensure they get it.”

There was no announcement as to who will be the first Secretary of Government. A White House spokesman suggested the press follow the President on Twitter for news of the upcoming appointment.

High Court Ends Anti-Customer Discrimination

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The US Supreme court has ruled that a store’s “No shirt, no shoes, no service” policy is discriminatory and thus illegal. The decision impacts all restaurants requiring jackets and ties, dress codes which are now illegal as well. Furthermore, night clubs are forbidden to choose who they allow in based on “how cool they look.” The victorious plaintif declared, “It’s a victory for the entire sartorially challenged community. The customer is always right. I mean, has rights. Whatever.”

The biggest customer rights bombshell was saved for last when the same protection to compel cake decorators to write as customers demand has been extended to customers for all types of writing. Going forward from this landmark decision, no writer may blatantly discriminate against customers for purely personal beliefs. Editorial writers must accept any work offered at the going rate and must write content as the customer demands.

Maureen Dowd writing in the New York Times decried the decision as moronic. Maureen Dowd writing in the New York Post called the ruling deliciously ironic. A Maureen Dowd column in the Daily Worker declared the court a symbol of the oppression of the working class. Writing for Guns and Ammo, Maureen Dowd stated she was glad the court didn’t undermine the second amendment. And finally, Maureen Dowd in the Shopping News said there was a not-to-be-missed sale at Pottery Barn.

Plants Demand Open Borders

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Trees and plants young and old lined the streets of Washington demanding amnesty for all so-called invasive plants now in the country. The plants also called for an end to vegetation immigration restrictions and a demand to stop the herbicide of plants based on national origin. Said a spokeshuman for PETAL (Plants for the Ethical Treatment of All Life), “It seems ironic humans extoll diversity, yet are against foreign plants coming to America adding biodiversity.”

Chaining themselves to bicycles a group of elms promised they would remain unmoved for 200 years if necessary to have their grievances addressed. Unidentified weeds at the base of several maples remained silent while swaying defiantly in the breeze as a chant of “Plant life matters.” was heard out in the reeds.

Group Says Right Is Wrong

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According to the National Organization for Correct Language Usage (NO-CLU) the political terms Left and Right are confusing the public due to their also having non-political meanings. The group proposes all non-political uses of the words be expunged and replaced with appropriate synonyms. Asked a NO-CLU spokesman, “Consider, if two Right-wingers are in a room and one departs, one left and the other’s left. How can that be?”

According to their proposal right will be wrong when it should be correct instead of right. Additionally, no left will be left except Left. Under the new regime the Bill of Rights will become the Bill of Entitlements, baseball pitchers will be either port-handed or starboard-handed, and strange ideas out of left field will now come out of center field.

Where no appropriate synonym comes to mind NO-CLU suggests the neutral combination word rileghft be used. As in, “I got your new word (grab crotch) rileghtft here.” Additionally the past tense of leave will no longer be left, but becomes leaved. For example, “I just paid my taxes and have no money leaved.” So too, no Child Left Behind will become No Child Leaved Behind.

Downright confusing? No, downrileghtft confusing.

Editorial: Let’s Have Truly Free Speech

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Just as the right to free health care means we don’t have to pay for it, the right to free speech means we shouldn’t have to pay for that either. Newspapers should be free, as should the internet and cable TV. In fact, we shouldn’t have to buy a television. After all, why should the rich have more access to free speech than the rest of us?

There should be a single payer system for free speech so everyone gets their fair share of free speech. Not just on the receiving end but the transmission end, too. The government should give everyone equal free airtime and press time to excersize their right to free speech.

What about people who have a hard time writing or speaking in coherrent sentences? The government should provide ghostwriters, speech writers, and teleprompters for the coherent impaired. Since demonstrations are free speech, the state should hand out free bullhorns, signs, flags, gasoline and matches.

It’s high time we made free speech truly free. If you have to pay for it, it ain’t free, is it?

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