Dark Matter Is Everywhere Though Nobody Has Ever Gotten Their Hands on Any

Just like regular matter you find laying around the house, dark matter also comes in varieties, which we call elements. And like run-of-the-mill matter found locally, exotic dark matter comes in handy table form because it looks more sciency that way. Anyway, it’s a cosmological constant, energy-field, matter-table.

Dark matter elements only exist for the gravity and so aren’t made of the usual charged particles like protons and electrons. Instead, they contain only hypothetical uncharged massy particles, a core of bulkitrons and heftons with a shell of circling less massy litetrons. Current thinking does not have these subatomic dark particles fitting into string theory, but slots them in with the brass or percussion.

These dark elements swirl around bumping into each other exchanging uncharge and producing litericity and darketic fields which don’t effect anything or do much good for anyone. Still, they have gravity which makes galactic theories circle around nicely and gives something for mathe­maticians to do besides accounting, which never won anyone a big government research grant or Nobel Prize.


At this point we don’t know the atomic numbers or weights of any of these dark elements and so don’t understand how they might interact with each other. Still, one imagines they could form molecules of sorts, some of which probably effect climate change. The omission of Conundrium Diozide (CuOz2) from the general circulation models might account for the lack of runaway global warming.

One might suppose dark matter is responsible for dark energy, but this isn’t the case. Dark energy isn’t really energy, it’s runaway inflation of the universe due to over-expansion of the space-time supply. According to Austrian physicists, anyway. Another view has it as animal spirits increasing aggregate demand for more space in less time which leads to negative contraction rates. Though they are uncertain whether the animal spirits are alive or dead or both. Which is hedging your bet and then some.

Short note on the table. None of these elements have ever been observed in the laboratory, or anywhere else to be honest, they are theoretical. Or hypothetical. Or just guesses. They are, however, based on direct observations of mathematical formulas and so dark matter elements must be there somewhere because the universe as we know it doesn’t add up without them. To understand the universe as we know it, see our companion articles:

Cosmology-Wiz  A Shorter History of Everything and Nothing

What Fabric Is The Fabric of Space Made Of?  Space Warps, Time Wefts, and Bent Reality