Why do people have cats? Perhaps it’s more that cats have people. Who opens doors for who? Who provides room and board for who? Who decides when feeding time is? Who cleans whose potty? Furthermore, are cats all that useful? You hear folks say they work like a dog, but never like a cat. Do cats fetch slippers, herd sheep, or track down escaped felons? Has a cat ever scared off a prowler? It’s the other way round, you’ve heard of a scaredy-cat, right?
About all we get from cats is a purring ball of warm fur to perch on our lap and generally lay about the house. Still, cats are occasionally good for amusement. YouTube might have gone the way of Pets.com without cute and comical cat videos. As there are more pet cats than pet dogs or pet anything else in the world, cats are also good fodder for observational humour. Since we don’t do videos here, on with the observational humor…
“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
“Cats are kindly masters, just so long as you remember your place.”
“No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove his fur from your couch.”
“If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.”
–Alfred North Whitehead
“Cats’ hearing apparatus is built to allow the human voice to easily go in one ear and out the other.”
“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds.”
“Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there’s a bowl of milk in it for them.”
“If cats could talk, they wouldn’t.”
Assterisk: the asterisk-like bit of anatomy aft of a cat’s tail.
Catscance: the squint-eyed glare a cat gives you without lifting its head as you walk by disturbing an obviously important nap.
Cattitude: the disposition of cats wherein they totally ignore you if it doesn’t fit their needs at the moment.
Cats-pause: the sudden stop to lick itself a cat makes while trotting towards you, often as you stand holding open the door in your underwear to let it in.
Defurment: a tuft of fur sticking out of a cat’s coat attached to a scab, usually from cat fights.
Felintuition: the ability in cats to perceive and stare at things we can’t observe are even there at all.
Flur: the fur cloud that wafts into the air when you pet a shedding cat.
Flur glove: the coating of cat fur sticking to your hand after petting a shedding cat.
Furworks: the series of static sparks, like little fireworks, created when petting a cat.
Gag gift: something the cat dragged in, like a dead mouse, usually half eaten and slimey, which is left for you to admire.
Kitty littering: what’s left of something after a cat is done playing with it.
Me-ouch: the vocal sound a cat makes when it lands jumping down from a high perch.
Puss-s-st: the sort-of kissing sound people make to get a cat’s attention because cats never know their own names. Most all cats respond to this noise. (Also called a mouex, from moue, pursing the lips, and x, a kiss.)
Puss pus: the snot-like dollop that collects at the inside corner of a cat’s eyes.
Puss-up: the way a cat’s rear end rises up when you pet it towards its tail.
Pussywallow: the way a cat spreads out for maximum use of the bed so you wake up shunted to one side almost off the edge.
Wubbing: that thing cats do when they act like they’re going to rub up against your leg, but just miss, sometimes barely touching with the tip of the tail.
Cat nap. As far as we can tell cats sleep 80 percent of the day. So why would a cat nap be a short snooze?
It’s the cat’s meow. Huh? What’s so good about a meow? More than likely it’s a cat’s demand you to do something for it.
It’s the cat’s pajamas. Double huh? Have cats ever worn pajamas? Have you ever tried to dress a cat? Have you ever dressed a claw wound?
Cat’s cradle. Another strange allusion. Cats in cradles? Do you suppose they’re wearing pajamas?
What the cat dragged in. See “Gag gift” above.
Who let the cat out of the bag? The better question, what nasty brute put the cat in the bag to begin with? And why?
Not enough room to swing a cat. What other nastier brute came up with that idea? Does the A.S.P.C.A. know of this practice?
There’s more than one way to skin a cat. What the heck? There seems to be a lot of sayings about the nasty treatment of cats.
© Terry Colon, 2018