Samuel Goldwyn and Yogi Berra are renowned for their fractured English and unintentionally funny quotes. Did they really say all those goofy things attributed to them? Not really, but they did utter many a mixed metaphor, slip of the tongue, and garbled mouthful. Then people just added some more in the same vein and gave them the credit, or discredit as the case may be. For our purposes, laughs, it doesn’t much matter if they did or didn’t, we’ll just pretend they did and leave it at that. It doesn’t make them less amusing in any case.

Sam Goldwyn:

An oral contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

Gentlemen, include me out.

I’ve gone where the hand of man has never set foot.

If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.

I read part of it all the way through.

I had a great idea this morning, but I didn’t like it.

If I look confused it’s because I’m thinking.

That’s the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

Yogi Berra:

You can observe a lot by watching.

Now I know why nobody comes here any more. It’s too crowded.

It gets late early out there.

Slump? I ain’t in no slump. I just ain’t hitting.

Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.

It’s déjà vu all over again.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

I usually take a two hour nap, from one o’clock to four.

Sam Goldwyn:

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn’t be in this business.

I’m willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.

Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.

Yes, but keep copies. –When his secretary asked him if she should destroy files that were over ten years old.

For your information, just answer me one question!

Yes, but that’s our strongest weak point.

You’ve got to take the bull between your teeth.

Yogi Berra:

If people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s going to stop them.

We made too many wrong mistakes.

It ain’t over ’til its over.

Eighty percent of putts that fall short don’t go in.

We’re totally lost, but we’re making good time.

Mickey Mantle: Hey Yogi, what time is it?
Yogi Berra: You mean right now?

Our similarities are different.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Pair up in threes.

Sam Goldwyn:

I paid too much for it, but it’s worth it.

Tell them to stand closer apart.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them at least five years.

I don’t think anyone should write his autobiography until after he’s dead.

Keep a stiff upper chin.

Gentlemen, listen to me slowly.

Don’t worry about the war. It’s all over but the shooting.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

Put it out of your mind. In no time, it will be a forgotten memory.

He treats me like the dirt under my feet.

Yogi Berra:

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.

I don’t know (if they were men or women fans running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.

You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.

You wouldn’t have won if we’d beaten you.

I never said most of the things I said.

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