Can you name the imaginary monsters, unreal beasties and wildly improbable wildlife? Since this menagerie of zany zoology is entirely original to us, it’s really not very fair to expect a reader to correctly identify something we dreamed up from nothing. So we’ve provided crossword puzzle style pun/wordplay clues as (somewhat) helpful hints. Good luck.
Lift that bulge, tote that bale, schlep that trunk? What is it?
1.Hippogriff, 2.Aerophant, 3.Blubberfly, 4.Rhinostrilus
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Aerophant (Isinit Ridiculus)
Consuming a diet entirely of beans the aerophant fills itself with enough methane to get airborne. It also uses this gas for propulsion. We’ll leave the unpleasant details of that aspect of things up to the reader’s imagination.
Hard to take ugly puss? What is it?
1.Fuzziwuzzi, 2.Werewolverine, 3.Forest Grump, 4.Grisly Bearcat
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Grisly Bearcat (Hoari Horribilus)
The intrepid seeker of phony fauna will generally find the temperamental and unsightly grisly bearcat in its favorite stomping grounds amidst the Georgia pines of Appalachia where it… uh… stomps ground, what else?
Spouting off over working for Peanuts? What is it?
1.Oh-Nogre, 2.Aarrgoyle, 3.Night Howl, 4.Screaming Mimi
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Aarrgoyle (Failum Frustratus)
Few people have visited the rocky cliffs of western North America, met an aarrgoyle in the flesh, or clothed for that matter, and lived to tell the tale. Mostly because it doesn’t exist. The aarrgoyle that is, not western North America.
The upside down under? What is it?
1.Mexican Jumping Being, 2.Antipodean Devil, 3.Leapard, 4.Mugwump
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Antipodean Devil (Topsi Turvius)
The antipodean devil is a beastly monster like any other beastly monster only more so. The only invertedebrate the world has ever known, this woodland creature is mainly known for being unknown.
Confused by the gnu name? What is it?
1.Baffalo, 2.Bewilderbeest, 3.Yakety Yak, 4.Flumm Ox
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Bewilderbeest (Bovis Discombobulus)
With its double humps, woggly eyes, four left feet, and generally confused look, the ponderous bewilderbeest is dumber than an ox, but only half as strong. Unless you’re referring to its smell, which is very powerful indeed.
Joey Corvid’s mama? What is it?
1.Twitty Bird, 2.Needer Fisher Fowl, 3.Kangaroo Jay, 4.Wallabyrd
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Kangaroo Jay (Marsupiavis Pita)
This denizen of the arboreal hinterlands, the kangaroo jay is half flightless bird, half hopping marsupial and total ridiculousness. Chicks live in the hen’s belly pouch until they’re 18 months old, after which they must pay rent or move out.
Ancient drifter? What is it?
1.Fuzzy Wuzzy, 2.Hairy Kari, 3.Polar Barry, 4.Snow-Magnon Man
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Snow-Magnon Man (Homo Milky)
A snow-magnon man trudging across the icy wastes in search of food, and maybe Snow-Magnon Woman, is certainly a sight to behold. Still, you wouldn’t want to be holding one or let one be holding you.
Ambidextrous sea sow? What is it?
1.Sea Odder, 2.Hippopotamuskrat, 3.Wallowrus, 4.Handymanitee
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Handymanatee (Verimani Manuala)
The beaver-tailed handymanatee is one of the true aquatic wonders of Mother Nature. Even she wonders just what she was thinking in creating it. Despite the multiplicity of hands it’s not an adept tool user, just something of a tool itself.
Male with a lightweight hide? What is it?
1.Irascibull, 2.Taurus Bulba, 3.Toronado, 4.Beef-Aronious
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Irascibull (Bovis Peevish)
There are many beasts much bigger and fiercer than the irascibull, but none more easily provoked. They fly off the handle quicker than a postal worker who’s neglected the daily dose of Prozac. Needless to say, if you come across it don’t cross it.
Cling on for dear life? What is it?
1.Warfhog, 2.Bjorn Boar, 3.Porkupine, 4.Bedeviled Ham
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Warfhog (Porcinae Trekum)
The forest dwelling warfhog’s most prominent features are the strange boney forehead ridges which seem to serve no purpose at all. Despite its brawny and ferocious appearance, it is often as not taken down by animals half its size.
Have a hunch it’s a fairy tale? What is it?
1.Izzy Lizard, 2.Quasimodo Dragon, 3.Demigodzilla, 4.Newt Rockne
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Quasimodo Dragon (Hunchus Lizardea)
This dragon sub-par species is not a fire breather, but an inveterate smoker. Which, while not deadly, is rather (cough) annoying. Don’t be alarmed if you encounter one at large as they’re largely not large.
Ewe tormentor, ewe? What is it?
1.Mutton Jeff, 2.Lambo, 3.Wooly Bully, 4.Baa Baa Ghanoush
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Wooly Bully (Bleatin Beatum)
Mary never had a little one of these fleecy beasties which prey mainly on smaller sheep, lambs and, of course, kids. Not as a food source, but because wooly bullies are just plain mean. Mother Nature can be cruel, and her offspring worse than that.
Scoring:
9-12 correct… uh… did we mention these beasts were a figment of our imagination so there is no way a reader would know the correct answers until we let the cat out of the bag? Which means scoring would be just as imaginary. But we will give you full marks for getting to the end. Congratulations and all that.
4-8 correct… see above.
0-3 correct… ditto.
