Mind Reading Diagramed and Explained

For the first time anywhere I offer this complete illustrated guide to mind reading, or ESP. Though it is not so simple to explain, it is easily understood by the simple-minded. And the simpler the better. So, strap on your pyramid hats and prepare to be dazzled.

The process: An idea pops into the subject’s head setting off vibrations, or “vibes,” which bounce around in the skull by the process of mental reflection. As the subject concentrates the vibes are concentrated, building up until the thoughts pene­trating the brain penetrate the skull and escape as psychic waves.

The psychic picks up the psychic waves through the third eye located in the sinus cavity. The idea sinks in, meaning it sinks to the abdomen creating the gut feeling associated with premonition. The gut feeling activates the soft spot creating a warm fuzzy which tickles the fancy sending a tingle up the spinal column. Atop the spinal column the virtual cortex vibrates the filaments of the imagin­ation which stimulate the extra sensory perceptors attached to the psychic brain, known as the P brain, where the psychic “reads” the subject’s thoughts.

The subject swallows the psychic’s reading whole filling the stomach with sweet nothings which warm the cockles of the heart so the subject knows in their heart the reading is true. The heated cockles glow driving off vapors of hole-istic meaning which bubble up the brain drain. These are sucked into the mind, provided the subject is a sucker, filling in gaps of knowledge with holes of non-normal sense, also known as nonsense.

Notes on Psychics: All the tickling, tingling and vibrating blurs the ideas and dulls the thinking. A good psychic drinks strong tea which adds a clearing action, and a bit of acting which adds drama. The tea’s caffeine stimulates the nervous system counteracting the blurring so the psychic offers a clear reading with absolute 5% accuracy, give or take.

Notes on the third eye: An especially sensitive sinus/third eye also helps in smelling fear or sniffing out a good story. I used just this sort of intuition in discovering the very principles outlined above. Self-evident proof if ever there was any, which I’m not sure there ever was.