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Along the human evolutionary tree there have been many branches, Australopithecus, Homo Erectus, Neanderthal, to name a few. But not all the limbs have born fruit, nor all the buds blossomed. Sometimes the branches just dropped nuts. Every tree has its sap and so we present you with…

afro

Afro-Magnon Man: (above left) This hirsute creature lasted but a short while giving way to Cornrow-Magnon Man.

Cro-Magnum Man: (above right) These clever tool makers were the first to develop the handgun, a rudimentary pistol fashioned from bamboo and sun-baked mud. Though a very crude weapon it was deadly enough that the Cro-Magnums succeeded in wiping themselves out through homicide and intertribal warfare in just a few years.

java

Homo Eruptus: (above left) By domesticating the bean success­fully these primitive men were the first to develop agriculture. This legume laden diet, however, was also their demise as the resulting flatulence made them easy tracking for hungry predators like the saber-toothed tiger, as well as repulsive to the opposite sex.

Mocha Java Man: (above right) Not too successful hunter/gatherers they seemed to subsist on a diet made entirely of coffee beans. They worshiped the god Starbuck whose image adorned practically everything they owned or wore. From the shoddy workmanship of their art to the lack of hunting skills, we know they suffered from the shakes and sleepless nights.

milk

Homo Milk Sapien: (above left) The disappearance of this once thriving people is one of the mysteries of prehistory. We only know of their existence by pictures of missing tribe members on primitive milk jugs pieced together from fragments unearthed in ancient landfills.

Homoe Larryandcurly: (above right) Three short, thick-skulled members of this unusual breed were unearthed in what is now Hollywood, California. The skeletal remains show signs of multiple trauma injuries and were found with broken primitive hammers and other mangled tools. Rock paintings show that they seem to have clubbed, impaled and even poked the eyes out of fellow tribesmen in some sort of bizarre entertainment ritual.

meander

Hobo Habilis: (above left) So-called caveless men, hobo habilis was a race of outcasts amid other proto humans. These scavengers lived off the discarded waste of other primitives. They often festooned themselves with signs that appealed to the spirits for aid and good fortune. Only one of these signs has been deciphered, it reads: “Will hunt and gather for food.”

Meanderthal: (above right) These early nomads were known to wander over vast stretches of the Eurasian continent. The last found remains were discovered in present day Siberia. There is evidence that they intended to cross the land bridge to Alaska. Unfortunately the land bridge had receded under the Bering Straight some thousand years earlier.

peeking

Peeking Man: (above left) These nocturnal voyeurs would sneak up and peer in uncovered windows to catch a glimpse of Austrailorparkithecene women in the nude. Why anyone would want to see these dirty, hairy, toothless women naked is somewhat of a puzzle.

Austrailorparkithecus: (above right) These early hill people lived in prehistoric versions of what can best be described as mobile homes. Unfortunately they never invented the wheel and so lived amid their own refuse and waste in permanent camps or parks. They eventually reached an evolutionary dead end succumbing to excessive inbreeding.

yuda

Mojo Sapiens: (above left) This species of cave dwellers invented an early type of music which consisted of a small group of the hairiest men beating rocks and wailing unintelligibly. Audiences would show their appreciation by showering the performers with money. Since polished stones were the only form of currency this turned out to be disastrous. But for a time, before they were all wiped out, these bands enjoyed being stoned.

Yuda Man: (above right) A distant relative of Afro-Magnon this was a group of neolithic cave hipsters who spoke a primitive tongue known as Pre-bonics. Their common greeting consisted of each pointing at the other proudly pro-claiming, “Yuda Man.”

flintstone

Flintstone Man: (above top) This was a strange breed of advanced simian that lived in bedrock houses. The females were very slender with delicate features and the males stocky, with virtually no necks and very large feet. Oddly, they had only four digits on each hand and just three toes per foot. Did these stiff, barely animate creatures die out or are they the ancestors of modern Bigfoot? Nobody knows for sure.

Homo Improvement Man: (above bottom) A male dominated culture communicating with a series of ape-like grunts they were obsessed with ever bigger and more powerful, if primitive, tools. This species was decimated due to frequent construction accidents in their constant misguided attempts at cave remodeling.

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