Aids For Sports Officials


Is your uniform too uniform? Don’t settle for boring old black and white when we have a full range of colorful striped tops to lend a sporty touch to the man in uniform. (Pictured are puce & mauve diagonal at left, and lavender & chartreuse zig-zag, right.)


Autocaller Hearing Aid: Having trouble deciding those bang-bang plays? Press the hidden button on the Autocaller signet ring and a random call is generated in the earpiece. Chances are the Autocaller will be right as often as not.

There’s no doubt you called “out” with the Super Size Umpire Thumb. 100% latex digit, one size fits all.


The Hair Helmet: Let’s face it, hockey helmets are ugly. But you can be protected and look sharp at the same time with this 100% kevlar hairpiece. Many styles available, including the classic Bill Clinton Power Pompadour and Jay Leno Two-tone Toup DeVille.

The Game Face: Good for officials in any sport. Lifelike, stern tough-guy rubber mask makes certain no one dares question your calls. Forehead vein throbs (A) and mouth foams (B) at the touch of a secret switch easily concealed in your pocket.


Quickly end any dispute with irate managers with Super Garlic Gum. Then toss them from the game adding injury to insult.


How many times have you dropped the puck for a face off and been caught in the scramble between toothless giants with hockey sticks? It’ll never happen again with the Long Arm of the Law Face-off Extension Arm. This face-off prostheses makes fetching the puck after long icing violations a breeze.


Working overtime getting you down? Overtime games quickly end with the Super Polar Magnetic Puck. Simply activate the powerful magnetic attraction unit, disguised as an innocent looking water bottle, slip in the Super Polar puck before the face-off and before you know it, any shot even close to the goal will fly in. Game over!


Out! Fly Paper for tennis linesmen. Place just outside the side lines and you can be sure to get every call right. If it bounces it’s in. Makes your calls stick, no matter what.


E. K-O G. Sensors attach to boxers' heads so you know just how real that knockout was. Needle arm readouts give a blow by blow indication of consciousness. Fully adjustable to each boxer as many have low brain activity even before a bout starts.


Tricolor Penalty Cards: These sets contain the traditional red and yellow cards plus an additional green card for deporting foreign players that curse you in unknown alien languages.


Reversible Uniform: Turned inside out it looks just like the home team’s uniform. Great for escaping machete wielding fans irate after loosing a game because of that dubious penalty shot you awarded the visitors.


Adidas Adders: Stylish elevator sneakers for basketball refs. See what’s going on up there. No more intimidation for shorties in the land of the giants.


Jammer 2000 instant replay disruption device: They can’t overrule your call if they can’t make the replay machine work. Extra powerful Jammer 8000 can even short circuit the Jumbotron so the fans in the stands can’t see your mistakes either.


Zebra Brand X-ray Specs allow referees to see through the pile up of bodies and determine who recovered that fumble. (Handy for checking out cheerleaders, too.)