Click pic to play animation
Readers of TerryColon.com might remember a video of the fastest archer in the west linked to a while back. The man, Lars Andersen, is back with a new, even more amazing video.
Spoiler Alert: I recommend seeing the video before reading my takeaway on it.
Imagine a typical scene near the end of a Hollywood swashbuckler where the hero has run out of arrows and the evil villan has him dead to rights, ready to deliver the coup de grâce. With a sneer the black hat unleashes an arrow at our seemingly helpless hero… quick as a flash our hero catches the arrow in mid-air and shoots it back skewering the villan through his black heart. The smug look on the villan’s face turns to shock as he keels over dead to the wild cheers of theater-goers.
Seems farfetched? Did you watch the video? Lars Andersen does that and more.
In what is becoming something of a tradition, I present a year-end list of silly predictions of things that will not happen or post-dictions of things that did not happen. Review my previous pre-post-dictions for 2014, 2013, and 2012. And now, without further ado…
Top Ten+1 Things That Didn’t Happen in 2014
Okay, maybe number six sort-of happened. I simply couldn’t resist the joke.
One imagines most folks figure they know everything there is to know about how to use common, every-day items. After all, they’re common and are used every day. However, there are relatively unknown built-in functionality in the likes of Tic Tac packages and to-go cup lids. Once you discover these features perhaps you’ll start looking at and using commonplace items differently. I can almost guarantee when you see what you’ve been missing you’ll say, “Wow, I never knew that!”
Along the same lines there’s also “So that’s what that’s for” or “So that’s how that works.” For the non-verbally inclined there’s always the wide-eyed jaw drop. You can add a hand on the top of the head gesture as desired.
Then there’s “Oh, now I get it” for things that should have been obvious, and maybe were to everyone but you. Alternative reactions might be “Of course!” or “D’oh! I’m an idiot.” Non-verbal alternatives include the forehead slap and, for the less demonstrative, the sheepish grin. Use the acting choice appropriate to your own character.
Going slightly further afield there’s “I should have seen that.” A head nod goes well with that. This falls more under the category of revealed unintended consequences. Like when you try some clever new way to do something that turns out not to be very clever. Which may evoke a “Now I see why they don’t do it that way.” This can also be accompanied with a head nod. Or a trip to the emergency room depending.
It’s hard to deliberately write as funny as some folks write accidentally funny. Though maybe knowing the writers were serious makes it funnier somehow. Just this sort of unintentional humor appeared some 40 years or so ago in Anguished English by Richard Lederer. Here’s a sampling:
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Silly as it is, it still makes me laugh. For a taste of this timeless humor read World History According to Students Bloopers.
In the same vain there’s these gems also culled from student essays:
The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.
He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
Some of these Analogies and Metaphors From HS Student Essays made me laugh out loud till my eyes watered. Though maybe I was in just the right mood. If you’re in the mood to have your funny bone ticked follow the links.
The first listed item reminded me of a pic I did for Suck.com many years ago. So I used it here. As Wally Wood said, “Never draw what you can copy. Never copy what you can trace. And never trace what you can cut out and paste down.” We can do the last one now-a-days without scissors and paste. No muss, no fuss. Aren’t we modern and lucky?
Still Yet More Links to Stuff All Over
A season so nice they named it twice. Autumn and fall. Which do you use? Is it a regional thing? Either way there seems to be an extra letter at the end. Do we really say or need the second L in fall? Who bothers saying that N at the end of autumn?
OK, who cares? We’ll leave you with this cryptic message, “Leaves, jump on George.”
A brother gave me an urban myth calendar this past Christmas. Many of the reported myths I’ve never come across. One of which was, “The human brain will on average have 7,000 thoughts a day.” The calendar declares this a myth with the correction, “The average brain actually has 70,000 thoughts per day, which means almost 3,000 per hour over 24 hours!”
Now then, that’s 50 thoughts a minute. Or one thought every 12 seconds. Which has me wondering, what constitutes a thought? What are they measuring? How many thoughts went into my writing this entry? How many were in the reading of it? Does thinking consist of discrete packets of thoughts or is it more a continuum as expressed in the old idiom, train of thought?
Can you relate to the statistic of 70,000 thoughts a day? Aren’t a lot of statistics like that, essentially meaningless? Like the number of grains of sand in a cubic foot. It’s information you can’t really use. Except maybe to repeat as trivia. One last thing, is there a difference between a thought and an idea?
Click pic to play animation
Yet Another Ten Links to Stuff All Over
Once again I spent all my effort on the animation. So that’s all, folks.
Another Ten Links of Stuff and Nonsense
Since I spent all my effort on the animation I let actual content be the work of other folks. That’s what linkergy is all about.
These Are a Few of my Favorite Things
Oddly, Julie Andrews singing “These Are a Few of my Favorite Things” is not one of my favorite things. One item, pizza, is not oddly on the list. When polled a few years back, folks claimed if they were reduced to eating a single food every day, it would be pizza. One man is living that dream. Dan Janssen claims to have eaten pizza every day for 25 years. If you like it, why not? Heck, my cats eat the same thing every day and they don’t seem to mind.
I just sold an old cartoon I did for Cracked years ago to Reader’s Digest. In fact, it appears somewhere in the Cracked archives as part of a larger article. It’s fair to peek, but you’ll never guess which it is. There’s a hint in the pic. If you do guess right… there is no prize. The articles are their own reward. Me, I got paid as a reward. No brag, just fact. Okay, a little brag in fact.
So go ahead and take a trip down memory lane and enjoy them again. Assuming you enjoyed them before. If you never saw them before, take a stroll up retro street and enjoy them for the first time. Assuming again. As a bonus, I just added two new old Cracked bits I dug out of the archives.
They say most big lottery winners go broke. They also say most big winners are not happier in the long run.
Let’s speculate on why they go broke. The lottery is a sucker’s bet. As the joke goes, it’s a tax on stupidity. Well then, if lottery players are dumb with money for playing the lottery, would winning make them any smarter with money? One can easily imagine why most big winners blow it all.
Let’s speculate on why they are not happier. Would losing a multi-million dollars make you happy? Worse, you had it once and now it’s gone. Still, even winners who don’t squander it are not any happier in the long run.
The key phrase is “in the long run.” Of course, winners are elated at first, “Woohoo, I won the lottery!!” But thrills wear off, we return to earth, and life goes on as before. You know the old adage, money can’t buy happiness. Most of us don’t get the opportunity to test this first-hand. Still, there might be something to it.
That’s because they also say only about a tenth of happiness is from material conditions – that happiness mainly comes from a person’s disposition and relationships. You might describe happiness as a personality trait rather than a response. There is some indication we have a set point of happiness in our make-up. We return to this happiness level through thick and thin, sickness and health, richer or poorer.
I admit I don’t know if what they say is true. Or even who they are to say. Which is why this is in Odds & Ends and not Fun Facts & Trivia.
Six Moar Pix Linx
OK, I admit I put this together partly to have the silly animation. Anyway, I’m a cartoonist. Goofy pictures is what I’m about. Still, as creative as I might imagine I am, I would never have imagined the imagery produced in the links. Though I must confess to relating to number 4 on the list. I have the scars to prove it. Heck, I almost ran myself over with my own car after all.
First, stand up. Next, turn around 180 degrees. Take one step forward. Now cross your arms. Then sit down and cross your legs. OK, wink.
Did you turn clockwise or counter-clockwise? Or if you’re outside the US, anti-clockwise? Did you step with your right or left foot first? Which hand, right or left, is on top and which is tucked in? Which leg, right or left is on top? Which eye did you wink with?
If you’re like most people, one way of each of these moves will be natural, the other will feel strange. It’s like being left-handed or right-handed. Try it and see.
Then again, if you cross your arms and both hands are tucked under, it means you’re a gansta rapper. Or a wannabe, anyway. If your third hand is on top you’re a freak. Or is that not politically correct? What would be the term, other-limbed? Heh-heh, wink-wink. That’s with my left eye since you can’t see me through the Internet. Though with emoticons it’s always the right eye. ; )
What is it about people talking on cell phones that seems to twist folks panties? Is there an epidemic of second-hand chat? All a cell phone user is doing is having a public conversation. People jabber in public all the time and no-one gives it a second thought. How does doing so on a cell phone different?
On 60 Minutes Morley Safer complained about wasting his time listening to folks gabbing on cell phones. One wonders how much of Mr. Safer’s time was wasted listening to people talking who were not on cell phones. Why was he listening to begin with? Who’s to blame there?
Still, there is a difference. We overhear only one side of the dialog of a cell phone call. This discombobulates us, we’re left hanging, we get frustrated, and thus annoyed. Even when we’re really not paying close attention. It’s sort-of like if one stereo speaker goes out and we can’t hear the singer or lead guitar. The incomplete music just sounds wrong, it’s unlistenable, we can’t stand it, “Turn that off!”
Then again, perhaps we’d be happier if we didn’t eavesdrop. Yeah, that’s gonna happen.
The weather reports say it’s supposed to be mighty cold all week in my neck of the woods due to this polar vortex business. Which basically means I don’t have to take a ship and get stuck in the ice to visit the north pole because the north pole has decided to come here. Then again, I didn’t have any plans to visit the north pole, now or ever.
Anyway, it means a lot of below zero temperatures are on tap for a bit. Which has me wondering: I get negative numbers in math and in theory, but can there be negative numbers in the real world? I mean, I can understand having ten pencils, or zero pencils, but how can I have negative ten pencils? If I looked in my desk drawer at negative ten pencils, what would I see?
I also don’t get why I live in the neck of the woods and not the arm or finger of the woods. Nor can I figure out the answer to the question, “Cold enough for you?”