The three things everyone wants in any service are fast, good, and cheap.
Getting all three is called a miracle.
Getting two out of three is called a good deal.
Getting one out of three is called a poor deal.
Getting none of the three is called a government program.
I wrote that joke and I'm not in prison. Which shows you not all jokes start in prison, despite the urban myth. Why anyone would imagine convicted felons are good joke writers is a mystery to me. Of course, whether this joke actually is passed along is an open question. Actually, there's no guarantee anyone will ever even read it, let alone think it's funny or worth repeating. Still, there it is for what it's worth.
Some quotes just for the fun of it.
"I've gotten a great deal of advice from him over the years. All of it bad."
-- Calvin Coolidge on Herbert Hoover
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't make them all yourself."
-- Usher
And an anecdote. Playwright Tom Stoppard being interviewed for a job by Charles Wintour, Editor of the London Evening Standard.
Wintour: "Are you interested in politics?"
Stoppard: "Yes,"
Wintour: "Well then, tell me the name of the Home Secretary."
Stoppard: "I only said I was interested in politics, I didn't say I was obsessed by it."
Ever notice the new peel-and-stick postage stamps have that perforated-like edge even though there's no reason for it? It's a throwback to the old lick-and-stick sheets of stamps that were perforated to tear and separate them.
It's a vestige of a bygone era. People expect stamps to have that serrated edge, or they wouldn't seem like stamps. Sort of like the grillwork on a car, which used to be radiator trim. The radiator isn't right there in the grillwork any more. In a lot of cases, cars get more cooling air from below the grill in an opening in the bumper area. People just expect cars to have a grill, so they do.
The ipod has something of a pseudo-vestige, the controller clicks when you work it. There's no real reason for it to do so, but people like hearing a click when they push buttons. Lets them know it's working. Apple had to add on the clicking sound because the controller gizmo doesn't make a sound otherwise.
Why is Humpty Dumpty depicted like an egg? There's no description of him appearing even vaguely ovum-ish in the nursery rhyme. Where did that come from?
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.
Is there a second verse I don't know about? Nothing in my dictionary under humpty or dumpty. I grow curiouser and curiouser.
The exception proves the rule. Have you ever wondered at the logic of this old old saw? Doesn't it seem the exception would disprove the rule?
The problem comes from how the meaning of "prove" has changed over time. Nowadays it means to establish as true, in days of yore "prove" meant to test. So what the expression really means is:
"The exception TESTS the rule."
This has been going around the email net:
"Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
"Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cloud aulaclty unesdatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
"Tihs is bcuseae the huanm mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe..."
To which I say, "This pliatcarur pisoprootin is lleagry nnneosse." *
It's a trick. It only works if you jumble the letters in a particular way so they're easy to decipher because they're common words and expected in the sentence. It's easy to read because there are clues, such as letter pairs kept together and a similar number of syllables. Plus, words under five letters are deciphered simply. Here's a sentence using words from the quote jumbled differently:
"Inprmaott lteerts, aricdcnog to pnaamnoehl rascceherh plopee, mteatr bsueace sramt ploepe allutacy utrensnadd oedrr." **
Not as easy, eh? Bet you can't figure out the following without some effort:
"Seteneven frerams form atneohr crutony peesttord arligny oevr ieptmord ibreecg luctete." ***
Stumped? Answers:
* "This particular proposition is largely nonsense."
** "Important letters, according to phenomenal research people, matter because smart people actually understand order."
*** "Seventeen farmers from another country protested angrily over imported iceberg lettuce."
Offissa Pup chasing Flatop who's just committed an intellectual property theft. The irony is I plagiarized both characters and this is art taken from the old Suck.com site. OK, maybe not so ironic or clever after all, but I always kinda liked the spot.
Still waiting for the breakthrough invention on the American Inventor TV show. Some fair to good ideas, but nothing to make you say, "Wow, why didn't I think of that?".
Seeing the long lines of people with their pie-in-the-sky inventions, all I can say is, "million dollar ideas are a dime a dozen." You can quote me on that.
The backlog for biomedical related patents, about half for genetics, is currently about 10,000 applications. source: Forrester Research
TV Guide shorthand.
This is an illustration I did for Conan O'Brien vs. Bear, but they didn't go for it. I did an alternate version, but I liked this one better and though I'd use it here. I suppose they didn't think their audience would get the "bear" reference. I'm sure one-time Suckster Owen would.
Bathtub Porsche on the way to the SEMA show.
What's with the expression, "I thought to myself"? Is there another way to think other than to yourself? Can you think to someone else, or to your dog, or to a chair? Perhaps you can, which would explain why people often want to "bounce an idea off you."
People also claim to be "thinking out loud," but really they're just talking. And to listen to some folks prattling on, it's clear that just because they're talking doesn't always mean they're thinking.
Left brain vs. right brain, creative vs. linear thinking clarified. Maybe this explains what people mean when they say they are of two minds about an issue. Or that they have half a mind to do suchandsuch a thing. Now then, what part of the brain are we relying on to create linear solutions?
Professor Frank N. Bienz explains the world situation.