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Headlines Torn from the Pages of History (and Thrown Away  Things That Didn’t Happen in 2015

USA No Way  Fake But Accurate News

Compare & Save Big-Time  Are You Paying Exaggerated Prices for Exaggerated Differences?

Mess Transit  Bus Riding Primer for Dummies

Win Any Argument  Using Paralogic and Surreason

Quick and Easy Housekeeping  Or Sisyphus Unbound and Unkempt

The Disunited States of America  A Preview of Coming Attractions?

E-Z P-Z House Selling  Redirect, Repackage, Relabel

Gag Cartoon Gallery  Jokes Without a Lot of Reading

Chartology Made Stupid  Connecting the Dots

Lights, Camera, Reaction!  The Periodic Table of Hollywood Plot Elements

How ESP Works  Mind Reading Diagramed and Explained

Mysteries of UFOs Revealed  They’re Here, They Are, They Are, They Are

Money Blather  Your Guide to Economic Jargon, Lingo, and Gobbledegook

A Short Long Good-bye  It's the End of the Year as We Know It

Space Warps and Wefts  What Fabric Is The Fabric of Space Made Of?

Uranimals  Beastly Beasts

American History 101 2.0  The Fake But Accurate Story

Cosmology-Wiz  A Shorter History of Everything and Nothing

Winless Wear  2008 Detroit Lions Merchandise

Government Machinery at Work  How the Wheels of the Bureaucracy Grind

Happy New Year  2007 in Review

Star Dreck  Musings of a Semi Hemi Demi Trekker

Those Darn Cats  Our Deal With the Devils

Dangerous Hot Air  The Truth About Inconvenient Global Warming

Don’t Look Down  Everthing You Never Wanted to Know About Air Travel

Not-so-Special Winter Olympics  Olympic Events You’ll Never See

pubhumor

Reader’s Digest

The B-B-Q Pyramid  For the Cooking Unimpaired

Mythic Snowmen  And More Snowmen

Venn Again, Again  More of the Same, But Different

Venn Again, Maybe Not  Another Last Laugh

Quick and Easy Meals  For the Cooking Impaired

CRACKED

Landmark Remodeling

Just Plane Stupid

Bizarre Business Cards We Hope We Never See

Trojan Horse Designs That Didn’t Quite Make it

Baseball Stadia for the ’90s

Personalized Remotes

Roller Coaster Mania

CRACKED's Plan to Balance the Federal Budget in ONE Year

Complete Guide to Piercing

History’s Least Successful Proto Humans

The Future Ain’t What it Used to Be

Tanks, But No Tanks

Police Line-ups Around the World (and Beyond)

Umpire Outfitters Catalog

Ye Olde Transport Catalogue

Suck.com

Suck School of Comic Art - Graduate Course  How to Draw Funnier

Suck School of Comic Art  How to Draw Funny

Crash Course  Cartoon Motorcycle Accidents Versus Cartoonist Motorcycle Accidents

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Listed Newest to Oldest

Great War Bloopers and Tactical Jokes  Tommy Foolery, Fritz Flops, Pierre-Balls, Atta-Turkeys and Igor-Blymies

Discovery of the Element of Surprise  Pathétic News Presents

Middle-Aged Mundane Made Over to Modern  A Video Guide

Webio-Bot Illusion  A Little Fun With Optical Illusions

Webio-Bot Rerun  Getting Into the Net With the Web-a-Tron 9000

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Listed Newest to Oldest

Webio-Bot Maze  A Lab Rat Game, Only With Your Mouse

Just What Kind of a Person Are You Anyway?  Take the Personality Test and Discover the True You

Happy Suckiversary  Play Suck.com Art Director

The Copy Copy Isn't Really a Copy  A Double Word Quiz

Bizarro.TerryColon.www  Goodbye, Earthlings

Elusiver, Mysteriouser Creatures  Another Search Game

Mystic 8 Ball  Ultimate Mystic Service Answers Any Yes-or-No Question

Whack-a-Bot  Quick, Get ‘Em!

Webio-Bot Rescue  A Game Where You're the Hero

Webio-Bot Invaders  Save the Planet

Terra Incognita  A Trick Tricky Geography Quiz

Find the Secret Message  A different Kind of Word Search

Hollywhat?  A Movie Trivia Quiz of the Funny, the Obscure, and the Strange

Internetelepathy  I Will Read Your Mind

99 & 44/100 % Pure Amusement  A Pop Quiz About Percentages and Probabilities

Unanimated Gif Monte  A Little Optical Illusion Fun

What Was That Nym Again?  Some Fun With Words

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Listed Newest to Oldest

Counter-Steering Made Easy-Peasy  Balancing a Bike by Turning

Notes for Young Illustrators  Learn from My Experience, or Get Your Own

Folk Etymology  From the Greek Meaning “Fake it”

Moving Goalposts  It's Harder to Make Ends Meet Because We Keep Moving Them Apart

Billiards Bits for Beginners  The Shape of Cheating the Pocket With Throw

Unsurprising Yet remarkable  One Step at a Time to One Step Beyond

Works for Me  Prosperity Is As Energy Does

The Futility of Fashionable Foods and Fitness Fads  Is It a Paradox or Not?

Changes that Changed Everything  The 10 Greatest Inventions of All Time?

Better Than Sliced Bread  Uncelebrated Inventions Great and Small

“Pass the Honey, Sugar”  The Processed Food Processed Food Haters Love

Bikes Don’t Turn By Leaning  Proving Cones and Gyroscopes Are Futile

Flying Made Simple  Understanding How Planes Can Fly Without all the Messy Details

Bernoulli, Coanda & Lift  What Is What and What Is and Isn’t Doing What

How Planes Can Fly  The Correct Explanation of Lift For Non-Engineers

My First Car  How I Almost Ran Myself Over With a Jerry-rigged Jalopy

Optical Illusions You Often Run Into  Don’t Worry, They Don’t Hurt

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The Casual Sportsman…talks sports, of course

Fun Facts & Trivia…and frivia

Infrequently Answered Questions…you never asked

Links & Sites to See…with a simple click

Odds & Ends…and bits & bobs

Quotes & Sayings…or so we've heard

Snippets…from the art archives

Talkin Bout Money…because talk is cheap

Top Tens & Other Lists…of links, gags, whatever

Word Meanings & Origins…of real words…

…Fauxcabulary…joke words I made up

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Top Ten Shorts… 2015201420132012201120102009Older

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Crossword for Illiterates

The Daily Obviouser

The Entertainment Curve

Goldwynisms

Hooray for Hollywar!

Kicking the Debt Can

The Ministry of “Quotations”

2012 - Not Done

Not Done Redone - 2014 Post-dictions

NuSA? We Rename the States

Over the Horizon - 2014 Predictions

Peak Future?

Self-self-employment

The Startler

Ten Keys to Super Bowl Victory

Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Boss Say

Ten Signs You Might Be Getting Old

Ten More Signs You're Getting Old

This Is the Year that Will Be

Welcome to the S___burbs

Whither Urban Legends

Why SCOTUS Decides

Wildly Improbable Medical Palpitations (WIMPS)

Worthless Paranormal Powers

Interesting

Are We Living in Mouse Utopia?

Deep Focus Plasma Fusion

Eat Less Fat, Have a Heart Attack

Explaining the Union Jack

How lb. and £ Mean Pound

Ignorance is Confidence

Sodium Is Dangerous, Salt Not so Much

Spinflation: Cheaper Though It Costs More

Sports Nicknames Quiz

Sports Clichés and Berraisms

Turn Vice into Virtue by Acting Naturally

Why a Mile Is 5,280 Feet

Why a Nautical Mile Is Not One Mile

Why There Are 24 Hours in a Day and 60 Minutes in an Hour

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Worst German Car Ever

hoffman1 hoffman1 hoffman3 hoffman3

Not every Brazilian is a soccer star, not every Frenchman can cook, and not every German is a brilliant car engineer. To wit, the misbegotten automotive monstrosity, the Hoffman. Never heard of it? Well, there’s a very good reason for that. See for yourself:

What It’s Like To Drive The Worst Car In The World

While the dedicated reader may have noticed my fancy for bubble cars, not all bubble cars are created equal. The Hoffman is a lot less equal than the rest.

Filed under Links & Sites to See 7/25/16

Whataya Know, I’m a Ten Percenter

idlerich

Believe it or not I’m amongst the richest people in the world. The key phrase is, “in the world.” Globally, over $77,000 in net worth puts you in the top ten percent.

Then again, the comparison is a bit misleading because the local cost of living makes a difference. Plus, things like income and GDP are calculated in terms of commerce rather than actual production or goods. For instance, paint the house yourself, no GDP. Hire a painter, GDP. Did more work get done because you paid for it rather than doing it yourself?

Subsistance ruralists grow crops, herd animals, build housing, make textiles, tools and pottery, yet generate no income or GDP simply because they didn’t buy or sell any of it. Doesn’t mean they created no wealth, it just doesn’t show up as GDP or income. So when they tell you such-and-such country has some really low per capita income, what does it really mean?

On the flip side of the above, when American moms got jobs in large numbers starting in the 1970s an entire daycare industry emerged to do the work for money mothers had been doing unpaid. When the wife works and then hires out the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, GDP goes up. Yet no more work is done than if they stayed at home and did those things themselves as they used to do. Makes you wonder how much GDP growth in the last 50 odd years has been phony?

Speculations aside, in light of how little effort I’ve been putting into terry colon dot com of late, I guess it makes me the idle rich. I can live with that.

Filed under Talkin’ Bout Money 7/22/16

Where’s Terry?

vacation

A very early Suck.com that pretty much sums up my current attitude to frequent blogging, if blogging’s what I’m doing here at terry colon dot com. Not that I’m actually at the beach sunbathing, just enjoying the great outdoors of summer. Working, actually. Only on homeowner type stuff. I’ll get back into the swing of internetty things later. How much later? Time will tell.

And considering that spot of art is nearly twenty years old, time flies, too.

Filed under Snippets 7/18/16

Best Optical Illusion Ever (Not Here, at the Link)

bot eyes circle frame

There’s this bit about a square pegs and round holes, but how about square pegs that are round holes? Which won’t make any sense until you go watch the video:

The Ambiguous Cylinder optical illusion

Filed under Links & Sites to See 7/13/16

Back to the Drawing Board

studioplan

Got the studio redone and all systems are back online. Finally. Took longer than expected and didn’t work as planned. The initial plans were left in tatters, as they say. As I drew. I’ll spare you the details.

One thing in the aftermath I also didn’t foresee or plan on I discovered when I sat down to draw this pic and some sketches for a Reason job, I’m out of drawing practice. Take almost two weeks away from putting pencil on paper and you lose your touch. Just goes to show, practice, practice, practice. Hey, the best athletes and musicians in the world practice constantly to keep their edge. Same thing applies to third rate illustrators.

Can’t tell whether it’s effected my writing. Well, that wasn’t all that good to begin with. Onward and upward. Onward, at any rate.

Filed under Odds & Ends 7/11/16

Studio Redo Mid-Project Break

houserepair

Seven DIY Rules of Thumb

  1. When figuring out your budget keep in mind it won’t be enough.
  2. Break a large project down to smaller sub-projects. That way when you’ve finished half you know there’s only three quarters left to do.
  3. Count on it, something will break. Just hope it’s not a bone.
  4. Don’t bother asking, the home center or hardware will not sell you elbow grease.
  5. A room that’s too small when you have all your stuff in it is too big when it comes to painting it with a single gallon of paint.
  6. If your budget is tight, one way to husband your resources is to get the wife to do half the work.
  7. Despite careful planning and organization something will be lost. A screw, a bracket, a tool, or your mind.
  8. When, not if, you hit your thumb with a hammer curse repeatedly aloud to help take the pain away. If you eschew profanity, a simple robust ow-ow-ow will do the trick.

While the last sounds like a weak joke, it’s actually true. They studied it. Something to do with adrenaline or dopamine or something, I’m not sure. Still, screaming with pain is natural, you gotta figure it must have a purpose. Cursing is just putting words to the scream. If having your mother kiss the owie will make it better... I have no information on that.

Filed under Top Tens and Other Lists 7/1/16

Under Reconstruction

oops

I’m currently refurbishing the studio from ceiling to floor so everything is more or less broken down and out of sorts. So, nothing really new from me here, content-wise. But there will be some hard-learned DIY tips in the aftermath. So stay tuned. OK, not tuned really, but bookmark and come back later for the goodies on how you can redo your room the Terry way.

For the time being, enjoy this old Suck.com Jackson Pollack spot of art. Or is that a splot of art? Some pun.

Filed under Odds & Ends 6/27/16

Ah-h-h-h, Summer

grounded

A few days late, but still timely enough. I mean, summer lasts for months. Anyway, the word summer comes from… oh, who cares? It’s summer. Relax. Enjoy the warmth and sunshine. Take your shoes off and stroll barefoot through the grass. You’ll feel better. It’s good for you. At least, if the grounding/earthing people are right.

Grounded.com

Filed under Odds & Ends 6/23/16

Forward to the Past

sterling

Forget battery electric cars, could be the 200 year-old Sterling engine is the future of motoring.

San Antonio man has engine that gets 100 mpg

Filed under Links & Sites to See 6/20/16

Detour Ahead

grannycaddy1 grannycaddy1

Infrequently Answered Question #98: If you park on the driveway and drive on the parkway what do you do on the freeway and highway?

A: To follow form I guess you drive freely on the highway and drive high on the freeway. Well, some folks do, at any rate.

OK, admittedly silly. Here’s a road related segue question: Why is, as they tell us, driving a privilege and not a right? Just because the government decided so? How about walking or riding a bike, privilege or right? What’s the actual underlying principle here? They say it’s a free country, but look how many things you need a license for. Meaning, all the things you need government permission to do. Hunt, fish, own a dog, cut hair, start a business and on and on. Could be worse, I suppose, in England you need a license to own a TV.

Filed under Infrequently Answered Questions 6/17/16

A Case of the Blahs

blahs

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blog blog, blog blog blog blog blog blog blog blog, blog. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Whether that’s an entire case of the blahs or maybe just half a box is hard to tell. Still, just because there is a terry colon dot com doesn’t mean it’s required writing. I mean, we’re not locked into updating regularly, as depicted in the old magazine (forget which one) spot from 1997. Enjoy it for what it’s worth, blah blah blah.

Filed under Snippets 6/14/16

NASA Disconnects from Reality

magnetic1 magnetic1 magnetic1

Do imaginary lines of longitude and latitude move and break causing earthquakes? Well, we suppose if astrophysicists did geology that might be the theory. They talk about magnetic reconnection, magnetic field lines of force that break and spew energy.

A magnetic field is a continuum, there are no lines of force to them. There is also no flow of magnetic particles or whatever. How can NASA get it so wrong? I thought they were, you know, rocket scientists.

An Electrical Engineer’s Take on “Magnetic Reconnection” - Space News

Filed under Links & Sites to See 6/9/16

Missing in Action

paintdry

For some reason I’m feeling a bit more ambitious this year. About improving the old homestead not posting to the site. There’s a whole laundry list of things I’ve been wanting to do for some time and this year I’m actually going to do them. For a change.

Funny thing about this rehab business, one thing leads to another. That is, attending to some obvious problem reveals a hidden problem. Like when I decided to rejuvenate the overgrown yews in the front, cutting them back revealed a part of the stoop previously hidden was sorely in need of attention. So, what seemed an easy fix, pruning bushes, became a difficult bit of masonry repair. Removing bits is almost always easier, and cheaper, than adding stuff.

At any rate, now you know why there’s hasn’t been a lot of fresh content lately. Nor is there likely to be for some little time. For the time being enjoy the somewhat apt old Suck.com spot.

Filed under Snippets 6/7/16

Not Ready for Prime Time

U15

A while back we mentioned something to the effect watching women’s soccer was like watching schoolboys play. Well, we admit we were wrong. It’s not that good.

Australia’s national women’s team thumped 7-0… by Under-15s boys team

So, the best of the best women soccer players in Australia, the national team, couldn’t keep up with 15 year-old boys. Or is that 14 year-old boys? Not sure what “under-15s” really means.

Filed under The Casual Sportsman 6/3/16

We Peer into the Future and See…

future

The other day I noticed the neighbor across the way struggling to do a bit of yard/home work one-handed. Not that she was handicapped or anything, she just was constantly using her cell phone device thingy with her left hand. Which leads me to speculate that perhaps the next big money-making idea is kitchen gadgets and household tools to allow people to do everything one-handed. Maybe everything could be motorized and controlled with a joystick or something.

Or perhaps you could have an attachable mechanical third arm. I haven’t really thought it about it all that thoroughly. Then again, perhaps it’s not really worth thinking about. Like they say…

“Million dollar ideas are a dime a dozen.”

OK, they don’t actually say that, I made it up. Feel free to quote me on that. You can even reuse the old Suck.com spot I reused.

Filed under Quotes & Sayings 6/1/16

Happy Holiday

hotdog

Not Christmas, Memorial Day. Break out the baggy shorts, breezy Hawaiian shirt, the BBQ gear and all the fixings ‘cause it’s the unofficial start of summer. Being a day off for most, no work for me either. Instead, an old FHM magazine spot repurposed for the occasion.

Filed under Snippets 5/30/16

There’s Electricity in the Air

electricearth1
electricearth1

The Earth is electrically active with an electric field of between 50 and 200 volts per meter at its surface. A six foot man will experience a potential of up to 400 volts from head to toe. The average potential between ground and the ionosphere is 240,000 volts and can reach as much as 400,000 volts.

More from Gerald Pollack, the electrically charged water man:

Gerald Pollack: Beyond Water -- What Makes the World Go Round?

Filed under Links & Sites to See 5/26/16

You’ll Put Someone’s Eye Out

hackysack

A“Brickbats” spot from Reason magazine way back in 2007.

Kallen Ford and a friend were playing hacky sack outside Colorado’s Boulder County Courthouse when a police officer approached. The cop took their sack and issued Ford a $250 fine for “releasing projectiles on the mall.”

This was during the great hacky sack epidemic. Congress members demanded registration of all bean bags. Children were expelled for bringing Beanie Babies to school. The ATF employed teams of bean sniffing dogs. Thanks to the tireless efforts of law enforcement the hacky sack menace is now under control.

Filed under Snippets 5/23/16

Unhealthy Care

healthcare

When it comes to trauma, gashes, broken bones, burns and such, modern medicine works wonders. Get twisted like a pretzel in a car crash and doctors and surgeons can restore you like Humpty-Dumpty after a fall. When it comes to chronic diseases modern medicine is often… what’s the word I’m looking for?… lunatic.

Would you advise a lactose intolerant person drink lots of milk and then combat the results with drugs? Crazy, right? Yet what do the experts advise diabetics to do? Why, eat a low-fat high-carb diet. That’s right, people who can’t handle sugar in the bloodstream are told to eat lots of foods that elevate sugar in the blood­stream. Which they then must counter with drugs.

Medical advice often combats healing, too. For instance, applying ice to reduce inflammation. One problem, inflammation is part of the bodies repair response, reducing it interferes with that, it make healing take longer. Similarly they recommend aspirin to reduce a fever, yet the fever isn’t caused by the flu or a cold bug or whatever. Fever is the body warming up to enhance the imune system. You want the fever.

It would seem modern medicine ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Some say the third leading cause of death is health care.

Medical Errors: STILL the Third Leading Cause of Death

Filed under Links & Sites to See 5/20/16

Left Hanging up In the Air on Tender Hooks?

tenterhooks

Ever been “left on tender hooks,” as they say? (Not that folks say it that much these days, the phrase has pretty much been replaced with left hanging. Though the two are more or less the same, both figuratively and literally.) Anyway, how can a hook be tender? It seems ridiculous.

Well, it is ridiculous because tender hooks is not the real term. It’s tenter hooks. Maybe it got mixed up because of the way a lot of people pronounce tees in the middle of words. Especially Americans. You may not have noticed, since most of us do it, but we Yanks pronounce little bottle as “liddle boddle.”

In days of yore tenter hooks were a series of small hooks fabric would be hung on for stretching. So, to be left on tenter hooks was to be left hanging. Need we say more?

Think of it with this connection, tent and tenter. A tent is a shelter of stretched fabric, a tenter is a frame for stretching fabric. Both derive from the Old Latin tendere, to stretch. Hm-m, the Romans had it with a D and not a T. Maybe it should be tender hooks after all.

Filed under Quotes & Sayings 5/18/16

Impossible, Two Thirds of the Time

eagle

Your typical major league ballplayer has 20/12 vision. OK, what’s that 20/20 vision business mean anyway?, I hear myself asking. It means a person can see clearly something at twenty feet that is normally seen clearly at twenty feet. 20/12 means something at twenty feet is as seen as clearly as something at 12 feet. Big league hitters have the proverbial eagle eye.

Though an eagle is estimated to have 20/4 vision. Plus they have big-time magnification in their lenses, but we’re getting off track.

So, does 20/12 vision help hit a fastball? Maybe, maybe not. Some ballplayers wear contacts. Anyway, the amazing thing about hitting a 90+ mph fastball is the amount of time a batter has to see, decide, swing and make contact to drive the ball into fair territory. Actually, how little time they have, about the literal blink of an eye. Incredibly, major leaguers can often place their hits, which one guesses takes micro-second timing.

Hitting a Major League fastball should be physically impossible - a short video

Of course, scientists also used to say bumblebees shouldn’t be able to fly. Now then, what’s the batting percentage of scientists?

Filed under The Casual Sportsman 5/16/16

Sprechen Sie Thai?

thai

Infrequently Answered Question #97: What’s the easiest foreign language for an English-speaking American to learn?

A: That depends on whether they want to speak it or also read and write it. The U.S. State Department has five categories of difficulty for learning foreign languages based on how long it takes to learn. A category five language takes roughly five times as many hours to learn as a category one.

In category one are the western European languages, Dutch, French, Spanish and so on. These are also easy to read and write since they use the same alphabet as English. Of these, French might be the easiest because English is already full of French words thanks to the Norman Conquest. Some say Dutch is the easiest to learn to speak. Though there’s not much need for an American to learn Dutch because practically every Nederlander speaks English. And French and German, if I have my facts straight.

There is only one category two language, German. Even though English has Germanic roots, the two have diverged so much they aren’t much alike these days. What makes German hard is its complexity, such as having three genders. If I knew more about it I could explain, but I don’t so can’t. You’ll just have to take the State Department’s word for it.

Within category five are east Asian languages like Chinese, Korean and Japanese. Of course, there is no one Chinese language, except to read and write where there is because they all use the same pictographic system. Korean is the easiest of these to read and write because it is written by combining syllable symbols rather than ideograms or letters. There are less than thirty different Korean syllables, making it the simplest writing system in the world.

At the other extreme is Thai which has an insanely complex writing system. I can’t even begin to explain it, but here’s a short video that will give you an idea of the complexity of it all:

World’s Most Complicated Writing System

So, if you want to travel to foreign lands and speak to the natives without a lot of language study your best bet is the Netherlands or the Scandinavian countries where most of the locals speak English as a second language. In fact, some of the regional dialects in Scandinavia are so different from each other, two Norwegians, say, from different parts of Norway can only understand each other if the speak in English. So they do.

English is also widely spoken in India because it’s simpler to be bilingual with English as a second language than to learn all the various native languages and regional dialects, of which there are many. That’s why call centers are in India and not China.

If you plan on visiting South America the most widely spoken first language there is… no, not Spanish, Portuguese. Brazil is that big. As a matter of fact, Portuguese is the fourth most spoken first language around. Though mostly in Brazil. Again, Brazil is that big.

One little tidbit because of all those Brazilian soccer players you see all over the place. The Portuguese NHO at the end of a name is the equivalent of a Spanish ÑO, and said the same way, nyō. It’s a suffix signifying little. So, Ronaldinho means little Ronaldo.

Filed under Infrequently Answered Questions 5/13/16

Bloody Trivia

heartsbg1 heartsbg2 hearts1 hearts2

The heart doesn’t pump blood by stretching and contracting like a balloon, it twists. You might think of it as working more like wringing out a sponge.

When a major artery to the heart is constricted or partially obstructed, the body can grow a secondary network of blood vessels to provide blood. The body does its own coronary bypass, only without surgery.

Donating blood can lower blood pressure and reduce harmful excess iron in the blood. Meaning the old practice of bleeding patients might actually have been beneficial at times. Who’d-a figured?

You’ve likely heard your blood contains so-called good and bad cholesterol, as in LDL and HDL. Funny thing about that, the L at the end of each stands for lipoprotein. Notice: protein. Lipoproteins “carry” cholesterol through the blood, but are not cholesterol. In fact, the attached cholesterol in each is identical. There really is no such thing as good or bad cholesterol as such.

Filed under Fun Facts & Trivia 5/11/16

Going Up?

CPAs

Top Ten Minus Seven for a Net Three Accountant Jokes

  1. An accountant is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
  2. Why do economists exist? So accountants have someone to laugh at.
  3. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A pretty scanty list. So, let’s pad it out with a corollary to gag number three: A government subsidy is a reward for doing badly. And a bail-out is for doing absolutely miserably.

Markets reward success with profits and punish failure with losses. The company bottom line is information, it’s how you know you’re doing things right. Profit and loss are the grading system of economic life. It’s a good thing, what works survives, what doesn’t perishes.

Governments turn this on its head, they punish success and reward failure. It would appear Government wants what doesn’t work to keep on not working. Basically, government rewards losers at the expense of winners. Which is why losers love government and government is for losers.

Filed under Top Tens and Other Lists 5/10/16

A Tiny Mystery

fork

I’ve had the same eight place setting flatware set for thirty years or so. Recently I noticed there were only seven dinner forks. This rather baffles me. I don’t leave the house carrying flatware about with me. It only comes out of the drawer when I eat, then goes back to the kitchen sink to be cleaned. I don’t leave dirty dishes laying about the house to be dropped behind or kicked under the furniture or anything. And it’s not like a fork can get washed down the drain.

How do you lose a dinner fork? Where did it possibly go? Anyway, in the nursery rhyme the dish ran away with the spoon, not the fork. I just don’t get it.

Filed under Odds & Ends 5/9/16

We Guess the Jolly Roger Just Wasn’t Jolly Enough

jollyroger

Ar-r-r, here be a “Brickbats” spot from Reason magazine in 2007.

In England, Morgan Smith’s parents decided to throw him a pirate-themed party for this sixth birthday. They even ran a Jolly Roger up the flagpole at their home. But a neighbor com­plained about the skull and crossbones to the Stafford Borough Council. Council officials feared the flag might be “unneighbourly” and said the couple must apply for permission, including a study of the impact the flag would have on the neighborhood before they could fly it.

How about an impact study on the effects of stupid government?

Filed under Snippets 5/6/16

The Quick Blue Fox Jumped over the Old Dogs

Fox

In what some are calling the greatest story in football (soccer) history, Leicester City Foxes, a 5,000-1 bet at the start of the season, have won the Barclays English Premier League championship. While major upsets happen from time to time, most are in the form of single events or games, Leicester City’s rags to riches story ran over a 38 game season making it all the more improbable and amazing.

Not being sportswriters we won’t report all the details, which you can find all over the web in much finer form. We will just add a couple little curious twists to the Foxes tale. The title was clinched Monday when Chelsea tied second place Tottenham 2-2. Leicester manager Claudio Ranieri once was the manager of Chelsea. Eden Hazard scored the tying goal for Chelsea which cliched the championship, the same player who score the title clinching goal for Chelsea last year.

Lastly, we link to a video about the club’s amazing run made a month ago before the trophy race was decided. Anyway, now you know how the film should really end. No doubt the complete story will soon be told on video. Until then…

Premier League Download: The Leicester City Story

Filed under The Casual Sportsman 5/4/16

Garden of Easy

greenthumb

In the garden do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs? If you number among the latter here’s a few simple tricks on how do make your yard the envy of one and all.

Eight Ways to Turn Your Yard from Yuck to Yeah

  1. Rocks and boulders, the bigger the better, frame a yard with alternative texture. They never overgrow the space, need watering, mowing or trimming. Best of all, they never die.
  2. If your trees and bushes have overgrown the property, remember, fire is nature’s pruning shears.
  3. Think outside the box outside the house. Plastic flowers work just as well outdoors as indoors.
  4. Wildflowers add a splash of vibrant color to any yard. An inexpensive, hardy, easy-to-grow perennial with a vivid yellow flower is the dandelion. No seeds required, they plant themselves as if by magic.
  5. Seed packages show what a fully grown healthy specimen should look like. Forget the seeds, plant rows of packages and you’re done.
  6. If your soil refuses to yield anything green at all, plop a large piece of driftwood in the center and call it a Mohave desertscape. Add a cattle skull for a spot-on finishing touch.
  7. Extend your patio or deck to the property line and your mowing, fertilizing, pruning, watering, and weeding days are over. A basket­ball hoop at one end turns your yard into an outdoor gymnasium.
  8. Install a single row of cinder­blocks around your property’s perimeter. Fill with water and voila! A stately reflecting pool in summer, an ice rink in winter.

OK, with our advice you won’t have the best-looking property on the block, it’s not all bad. If you look a bit less well-off than your neighbors crooks are less likely to target your house as a potential bounty of valuables.

Filed under Top Tens and Other Lists 5/3/16

“I Killed the Bank”

twenty

Now they want to remove Andrew Jackson from the twenty dollar bill. Which would probably OK by him if he were alive today, the man was no friend of central banking. His proudest moment was the ending of the Second Bank of the United States. In point of fact, the headline to this Shorts entry is the inscription on Andrew Jackson’s tombstone.

So one wonders, why was Andrew Jackson’s effigy on a Federal Reserve note to begin with? Was it ironic or something? Who knew the Treasury were a bunch of jokers? I mean, kidders. Jokers they may otherwise well be.

Filed under Odds & Ends 5/2/16

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